Waiting to exhale

Every one has fears.  Most fears are about family and friends, their safety, their health.  Finances, employment, airplanes, whatever.  I have a fear of not being able to walk.  It's not like I run marathons or even run at all.  But I walk my dog.  I walk through the zoo with my son.  I walk through the mall with my daughter. I walk up and down the stairs in my house at least 15 times a day.  I like being able to walk.  But I have 2 different tumors on my spine right now, so I fear I will lose the ability to walk.  The earth won't stop moving if I can't, but I don't think God should trust me with that disability right now. 

Yesterday I emailed the doctor who did my spinal surgery 2 years ago.  He's such a great guy.  We spent so much time with him.  Three surgeries in 4 days for over 24 hours altogether.  Wow.  I think my sister would wash his feet if he'd let her.  Maybe not, but she really likes him.  So do Ken and I.  So I emailed him with a short note that I've got a bunch more tumors, and he called me within the hour.  He was so sorry to hear the news.  He stated his apologies, paused and said "Shit!"  It was heartwarming, in an odd sort of way.  And he calls me Mrs. James.  That makes me giggle.  

Anyway, he was able to pull up my scans and give me his humble opinion.  He said the spots on my spine were very small, and as long as I wasn't feeling any pain, surgery would not be warranted.  But the minute I felt any kind of twinge or pulling I should come in.  He's not with UCSD anymore, which bums us both out, but he said that UCSD has the best equipment in the country to deal with this type of tumor.  A type of cyber knife or gamma knife, a "radiostatic" kind of thing.  Typically with spinal surgery, you would have to have your head bolted into a halo before any procedures (like I did before), but not with this equipment.  And no anesthesia.  So after talking to him, getting his opinion, I no longer fear waking up and falling out of bed.  I feel that God has given me a break this time, maybe believed me this time when I told Him I couldn't handle that burden.  Dr. Kim did suggest getting a CT scan of the areas now before too much damage has been done so it can be used as a reference point if the tumors there get bigger.  

Who knows, if this Sutent chemo drug works, I won't have to worry about it for years, maybe.  Maybe never.  (That was for you, mom)  Anyhow, I'm trying to enjoy my break from the meds and waiting for the next day I can eat a piece of pizza.  I'm going to the zoo tomorrow, and I'm going to try to eat a cheeseburger.  Wish me luck!

God is love.