Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. My calcium has been up several times, and I'm continually losing weight, I have no appetite, and I've been vomiting once or twice a week for a month or two. Doc says it may be time to stop our chemo break. Being the professional patient that I am, I immediately tear up and say, "Noooooooooo!" I have plans for spring break in Vegas, and there is no way I am missing my family summer trip to the mountains again. I was not prepared to go in there, without my husband, and have him tell me it's time for chemo again. I'm heartbroken. We left it that we would wait and see what my catecholamines are in a week, and we'll test the calcium in a month and talk again then. So I bought a little time. Cody and I are scheduled to go on his 4th grade trip to Sacramento to see the Capitol and go to Sutter's Mill to pan for gold. It's actually on his birthday, May 19. I can't miss that. I won't. I'm sick and tired of missing things because of this stupid illness. It's really starting to piss me off. Why the suffering? It's so pointless. If you want me, you are going to have die trying, just like me. Fuck you, cancer!
God is love.
p.s. I apologize for the rude language. Please forgive me.
I forgive you for the rude language. I think you have the right to say it when ever you feel the need to. I love you so very much and admire you and your williness to fight this fucking cancer!
ReplyDeleteLove
Suzie
It sure is hard to come to grips with God's love sometimes. Prayers for you, little one.
ReplyDeleteI like what you said. A healthy dose of anger is good. Kick its ass!
ReplyDeleteLisa
I find a good F-bomb to be therepeutic from time to time, and sometimes it's the only word that works. I'm sorry that it's time to stop the chemo break and I'm so sorry for the things this disease is robbing from you. Keep fighting the fight. I'm praying for you here.
ReplyDeleteGo ahead and release that anger Pam. It is good for the soul,better than to keep it bottled up. Im sure our good Lord will forgive you!! Love ya and stay as strong as always. As if we all didnt know how strong you already are..try and have a blessed day. As always you are in my prayers..
ReplyDeleteI am not happy to hear this news. Swearing can be very therapeutic so go for it. I know how hard it must be to miss events that mean a lot to you. I'm rooting for you and asking God to give you the strength to deal with all of this. Love you, Pam.
ReplyDeletePam, the last post is from Carol.
ReplyDeletePam, I seem to say fuck (& worse) hourly, don't apologise. Same problems here: Ian's high calcium causing weight loss, fatigue, confusion, aggression. He is now on Calcitonin so hopefully that will help but is starting lutetium-177 in May to hopefully reduce pheo activity & symptoms. Hang in there, you're doing great :) xx
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