God is love.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Cycle 2, Day 19
It's taken longer this time to feel bad. Today was harder. The headaches are getting closer together and lasting longer, and the nausea is kicking in. Now is the time when it gets harder to have conversations with people. Everyone wants to know how I feel, and I want to say "fine" but that wouldn't really be true. My brain answers "I feel like crap, and I don't want to talk about it" but that isn't what people really want to hear. I think people ask because they want me to say I feel good, it's not that bad, I'm doing fine. It makes them feel better if I feel better. So when I don't feel good, and I tell them I don't feel good, I feel like I'm letting them down. And then they feel sorry for me. And I don't want that. I have accepted what is happening in my life right now. I know that someday I will know what God's plan is for taking me down this path. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to support me, pray for me, listen when I do feel like talking about how much my mouth hurts. Tell me a joke. Everyone knows what sucks in my life. Tell me what sucks in yours! Please don't think for a minute that you can't complain to me. I'll gladly listen. Then I know I'm not the only one complaining around here. Poor Ken. He's the real hero in this story. He works all day and then has to come home to grouchy me and make his own dinner. The thing that sucks about this medicine is that the side effects get worse. It's not like with some other chemo drugs where you get really sick and then gradually get better. I feel great, and then it gets worse and worse. It's backwards, so it throws me and everyone else off. A few more weeks and I'll have my PET scan and we can measure more definitively how the medicine is doing. Then I can be normal again for a few weeks before I start all over. Sorry for complaining so much. Some days are better than others...
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Hi Pam. Ugh, your treatments sound like they suck, but remember, you don't have to laugh or be pleasant to anyone - those nurses get it, they do, but maybe having a job where you deal with people going through such a horrible ordeal makes you try harder to keep a sense of humor (just a thought). By the way, if you ever want company, I'm always available. I may be annoying with my stupid sense of humor, but I promise, my heart's in the right place. As for your recent post, it's good that you help people understand what you feel like. I've known you a long time and it's still hard to know what would be good for you. One last thought... I may be speaking incorrectly for others, but for me, I don't feel sorry for you, rather helpless. I know (well, I can't really know) that what you are dealing with is unimaginable and there's nothing I can do to make life better, easier, or more understandable for you. That's a hard place for people who love you. I have faith and think about you daily, and pray constantly - and I'm always here for you!
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