I write today with a heavy heart

I don't want to write this.  I've been putting it off.  I'm in shock.  I don't know what went wrong.  I got a weird feeling yesterday.  Something in my heart told me there was something wrong.  I got the flashlight and went into the bathroom to look in my throat.  As usual, the back of my throat there is a thin veil of saliva bubbles covering the surgical site.  There was one small point of reflection that caught my eye.  I got a q-tip, touched the bubbles, they stuck to the q-tip, I moved the q-tip, and there was the titanium cage right in the middle of hole.  

I'm devastated. The countdown for eating is no more.  They can't schedule the next surgery for 2 weeks, and the kids get out of school in 3 weeks.  The next surgery will take a skin graft from the inside of wrist, with an incision from my hand up my arm about 8 or 10 inches, so they can get a length of vein.  They need the graft from the inside of my wrist so they can take an artery and veins for blood supply once they put it in the back of my throat.  It's about an 8 hour surgery and 10 days in the hospital.  The surgeon put me on heavy duty antibiotics to help stop any bacteria from growing in my spine while the hole is there.  Which means I have to be extra careful about being around sick people.  Even going to church is a risk for me now.  

I won't be able to help Kassy move back home like I'd been planning.  We were going to paint Cody's room and get him his own bedroom furniture when she got home.  I don't know when we'll be able to do that now.  Who knows if we'll be able to go on our summer vacation.  I know those are all negative things, but I need to get it out of system so I can get through today.  Then I'll go to sleep and get through tomorrow.  Please pray for us.

God is love.