Hot wings and pedicures

As our recent news starts to sink in, I feel like I have literally stepped into the next stage in my life, and am grieving the loss of my old one. I spent a little time in denial. I just couldn't believe it. I was confused and angry. How on earth could the medicine work so well the first time, and fail so miserably the next? What could I have done to deserve this? What can I do to change it? And 24 hours later, I was on the floor in the fetal position. Ken came home and things got better.

Now, 3 days later and with countless words of comfort and support from friends and family, from some people I've never met, some I haven't talked to in years, and of course from those closest to me, I feel like things could be so much worse. Despite the fact that I probably have a dozen tumors in my spine and ribs, I'm not in any pain. I have corresponded with people who have this disease who live with constant and horrible pain every minute of every day. None of my major organs are affected, and my body is functioning normally. I don't look like or feel like I have a terminal illness. And despite the fact that I have to start IV chemotherapy, I'm probably going to feel better most of the time than I have in the last year. I will have days when the side effects will probably be pretty bad, but it should only be 3, 4 or 5 days at a time. Not 3, 4 or 5 weeks at a time.

And tonite, I had hot wings and Mt. Dew for dinner. I haven 't been able to do that in a year. The Sutent I was taking made my mouth so sore, there was no way I could tolerate the spicy or the carbonation. But all that is behind me now. And my hands and feet would be so sore from the medicine, I couldn't get a pedicure. And I loooovvveeee pedicures. I can get one whenever I want now. And I've even heard from a few people who haven't lost all their hair. I'm not going to get my hopes up for that one, but it is certainly good to hear.

So in the 5 stages of grief, I have arrived at acceptance. This is obviously part of God's plan; for me, my husband, my kids, my family and my friends. Don't grieve for what may be lost in the future - relish in what is here today.

God is love.