Stable: not readily altering in chemical makeup or physical state

Stable.  Medically speaking, I am "stable." Emotionally, eh, not so much.  But back to medically, we went to see Dr. Millard, my oncologist.  He walks in, hugs me (he's so nice), and tells me how good I look.  On a side note, it's a little odd to me that people I know that only see me once in a while, like my doctor, dentist, some church friends, they all seem so surprised that I look normal.  That I don't look sick.  I guess they don't expect me to look healthy since I've been "sick" for so long.  I guess it kinda surprises me, too.  So, anyway, the PET scan looks... familiar.  It looks a lot like the one I did 3 months ago.  Which is good.  Stable.  There is a new spot in the bone in my chest plate, front and center, and another new spot on my collar bone.  Neither of these bothers me.  There were 3 spots in my pelvis that are now gone.  So I'm still ahead by 1 this time.  So I'm stable.  I didn't really know what to do with that.  I'm very thankful that I don't have any new spots in any vital organs.  That would scare me a lot.

I recently had a consultation at the dentist for Invisalign.  I never had braces as a kid, and I have the kind of slightly crooked, crowded teeth that come from early busting out of wisdom teeth.  It looked so cool, and it is only supposed to take 9-12 months.  Only.  For someone with a terminal illness, that's a lifetime.  And it don't come cheap.  I didn't think I should do it, because I didn't think I would live long enough to see it finished.  Why spend that kind of money when I'm just going to die. I went back and forth so many time. But something has got to give.  I can't think like that.  That would mean I wouldn't see Kassy graduate from college, or Cody from elementary school.  I can't stop making plans because I may or may not be here.  So stupid.  I want to make summer vacation plans, and reservations for Vegas for Kassy's 21st birthday, and go to the capital and panning for gold on Cody's birthday. And celebrate my 12th wedding anniversary. Get baptized in a full dunk!

Someone told me once that they were having trouble in their relationship, and that they loved the person they were with, just not like it was before.  It wasn't because my friend's spouse was mean or unsupportive or unfaithful, it was just the opposite.  After much soul searching, my friend decided that that in order to make this relationship work, they would start acting like their spouse.  Loving, friendly, supportive.  My friend starting acting like a person who was in love with their spouse.  And then, with  lots of soul searching and obedience, my friend fell in love again.  They've been married decades now.  I've been like that with my life.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, and then one bad thing after another happened, I fell out of love with living my life.  I figured it would just get worse and worse until it was over.  But that's not fair.  Not to the people in my life, or to me.  God will take me by cancer or by whatever else, but I want to start living my life like I used to, like I loved living. I need to do something to show myself that I have a life worth living, and there are people who want to see me live it.

Yesterday I got my Invisalign, and a year from now, I'll have a perfect smile.  Hi there, Life.  I'm back.

God is love.