Time to take a step back

I got my first tumor 5 years ago.  My first single metastasis was 3 years ago.  And 2 years ago, just before Thanksgiving, I had too many tumors to count.  It was the worst Dr. appointment of my life, and the 3 hours following, having to call my family, it was unspeakable.  But the holiday went off without a hitch.  Everyone was so loving, no one argued.  It was nice.  My mom was on crying patrol.  If someone made me cry, she'd start yelling.  My niece hid in the bathroom and cried.  Family friends hugged and hugged me.  It was the most boring holiday of my life.  And my sister didn't accept the diagnosis.  She said "no, I don't accept that" when I told her there would be no more surgeries, there is no proven treatment for pheochromocytoma.  I felt sorry for her.  I thought her denial would come back to bite her in a few years when I was gone.  Now, my sister is a Christian.  I am a Christian, a baby one.  But she's been in the Word longer than me.  I misunderstood her 2 years ago.  She wasn't hiding.  She had faith.  She started praying.  So did my mom.  And the family.  And the family friends.  And the people at her church.  And people at everyone else's church.  (and mine, of course.)  I got my first prayer quilt from her friend and church.  She never showed me she had any doubt about my prognosis.  We didn't talk about my cancer much, not because she was afraid of it, but because she wouldn't give it the time of day.  She knew God was in control.  So did I, but I don't think I did as much as she did.  I didn't realize that until now.  I also didn't realize how much I depend on her.  I didn't realize she is my best friend.  I didn't realize that I have acquired an attitude of entitlement because I am a cancer patient.  I can say whatever I want because who is going to call me out?  I have cancer!  No one is going to stand up to me!  So selfish.

Now, I've spent 3 years researching this cancer, its treatments (not many), its affects, statistics.  These tumors push out hormones, adrenaline.  It can be like super PMS with extra anxiety thrown in.  I could give Naomi Campbell a run for her money at times.  And I just bought a book about what cancer patients want other people to know.  It had a lot of information in there that I never really thought about.  Things like people with cancer get depressed.  Understandable.  And people with cancer who go into remission sometimes can get even more depressed.  Hmmm.  And sometimes they won't return phone calls or communicate with loved ones.  It says that patients can be insensitive at times.  ...  [cricket.  cricket.]  I learned a lot about how people probably perceive me.  But I learned a lot more in the last few days.

Illness is not an excuse to treat people with indifference.  I am sorry.  Please be patient with me.  My life can change in a matter of minutes, so I get a little jumpy sometimes.  I do have a chemical imbalance after all.  So, despite myself, I want to be a better person for the better people in my life.  Meet me halfway?

God Is Love.